“You can’t pass inspection with pieces left behind!”
Just because I was in the middle of writing a novel back in tenth grade didn’t mean I loved all things writing. But, one night while watching George Lopez in May 2011, I saw a commercial that kind of changed all of that. It was one of those incredibly creepy Charmin Ultra commercials with the cartoon bears who are much too focused on getting leftover TP pieces off of each other and whose actual slogan is, “enjoy the go.”
I sat down at my computer and started writing an article about the creepiness of this. I finished it around 2 AM. The next day I brought it to school, showed it to some classmates, and they all said the same thing: “Dude, you should get a blog.”
I didn’t take their advice until this past August, but that May night was the first time I started writing articles. I kept writing them around once a month, and indeed, quite a few of my blog posts today are updated versions of ones I came up with back then.
Anyway! Tonight, May 10th, marks the two-year anniversary of my blog post writing. So, since I’m a traditionalist, I figured I’d post an updated version of that first article I ever wrote to share with you. This might not be the funniest one I’ve ever written, but it’s my favorite. I hope you enjoy!
Charmin Ultra commercials haven’t been on TV for a while now, but I hope my readers can at least remember the gist of them. Several colored talking bears attempt to persuade you to purchase their particular brand of toilet paper. They do this by means of creepy smiles and a disturbing level of interest in bowel movements. A few of these commercials in particular stood out to me, so I thought I’d take a few minutes to dissect those.
First of all: in almost all of these commercials, the bears are washing clothes of some kind. What puzzles me about this is that the bears are always naked. So, where did the clothes come from?
I think they’re from their victims.
Commercial 1: The Broom and Dust Pan
Before I talk about this ad, you can see it for yourself:
In case you didn’t watch that, I’ll break it down: a kid bear is standing looking at a tree when out of nowhere, his hulking mama comes a’chasing with a broom and dust pan in hand.
Her calling “Come back here, you!” with a much too gleeful look on her face doesn’t help diffuse the creepiness of the situation.
He escapes through a nearby log and makes his way up the tree. He thinks he’s safe when…
His mama starts sweeping the pieces of toilet paper from his bum into her dust pan. Because apparently, bears clean themselves with dust pans.
The real kicker of this commercial, though, comes at the very end. After describing their magic diamond weave texture, the producers show us a piece of their toilet paper being dragged across a table with a three pound weight sitting on it.
I don’t know about you, but that isn’t how my TP-usage works. Furthermore, if your fecal matter weighs three full pounds, see a physician immediately.
And if you think I didn’t just Google “how much does average human poop weigh,” we haven’t spent enough time together. I did Google it, and after paroozing a website titled “Doodie Noted,” I found a study which concluded the average weight of human poop to be 0.7 pounds.
I bet you didn’t know that, now did you.
Commercial 2: Examination—2010
I had several glaring problems with this. For one thing, I was uncomfortable with the sight of a child bear using a hand mirror to examine his rear end with the urgency of checking for a malignant disease. The fact that he was twisting in weird positions didn’t help either.
But I have bigger fish to fry. My issue, once again, is with the mother, who seems far too interested in her son’s…situation.
The worst part, though, is the quote she delivers.
“Sorry, son,” she says, not sounding very sorry at all, “But you still have ‘em. You can’t pass inspection with pieces left behind!”
Now, I’m going to voice the obvious question here.
Once again, was this necessary? Who is this commercial meant for? I’m fairly certain this mysterious ‘inspection’ isn’t a routine thing outside of Charmin headquarters, and if it is, it probably ends when the child is around two years old!
It doesn’t help that once the poor child is all done cleaning himself, the mom takes one last look. “Looks good, son.”
Oh, I’m sure it does.
Somehow I ended up on the Charmin website, and I stumbled across a section titled “Meet the Bears.” On this page you can read the profiles of each of the bears in this dark and disturbing saga. Some notable bios include the papa bear, Leonard, whose bio simply reads, “Who wouldn’t want a bear hug from this big papa?”
The kid, Dylan’s, isn’t much better. It states that he likes his porridge not too cold and not too hot, he wants to be a scientist, and he’s best known for dancing to the “butt wiggle dance.”
The worst one, though, is the bio of the mother, Molly.
Best Quality: Always willing to lend a helping paw
Favorite Indulgences: Honey…straight from the hive.
“Straight from the hive…” You cannot be serious.
[Update: apparently since I wrote this in 2011, Charmin realized how creepy their bear bios were and changed them to semi-normal profiles now. Smart move, guys].
(New Addition) Commercial 3: Baby Got Back—2013
Okay, now they’re just messing with us.