“The line’s pretty clear, zero tolerance for walkers.”
– Daryl, The Walking Dead
Tonight’s post is for a limited audience: high schoolers. Specifically, those who go to a high school large enough that the hallway crowds can get a little interesting.
I love my high school. It’s a great place. And most of the time, the crowds are fine. After four years of navigating through the corridors, I know my way around the annoying groups of people between classes. Which is saying something, because the halls can get interesting when there are masses of students all forcing their way through.
Freshman year, I went with the flow. I would get shoved a bit—not maliciously, it just happened. Sophomore year, I moved firmly enough not to get shoved. Junior year, I did the occasional pushing past people.
And now, Senior year, it’s something like this:
But, there’s one group of people which no hero can defeat. The sect of high schoolers that instill general loathing in the rest of the population.
Curious? Well, I’ll describe this group of people in just a minute. First, I want to list the strangest snippets of conversation I’ve overheard while walking through my school hallway. I’m sure this list will grow, but for now, here’s what I have to start with.
- “And that’s why it sucks to spend the night in jail.”
- “If my brother walked in here, man, I would kill him. All. Over. Again.” (Though I read that one somewhere else, so hopefully this gentleman was just quoting that?)
- “I’m so excited, all of my friends have birthdays this year!” (You don’t say?!)
- “And that’s why I only waxed half.” “Seriously? You are so sleazy!” “I know, I know!” (Shudder.)
- “My teacher broke up one of them fights the other day. She had to go to the hospital.” “Oh my God, did she get hit?” “Nah, nah…BIT!”
- “Come on, it’s fine if everyone’s doing it!”
- “Hey guys! ¡Me lave, comedores de verduras!” (Which I’m fairly certain translates to, “I wash myself, vegetable eaters!”)
Like I said, that’s just a working list.
And now, to the main topic of tonight’s post. My solution to the group of hallway people who no one else can stand.
They are…the slow walkers.
Anyone who goes to a large high school knows exactly who I’m talking about. The line of people who take up the entire width of the hallway, end to end, trudging along as though they’re being marched to their execution.
They’re a strange group of people, these slow walkers. I’ve tried to understand them over the years, but I can’t. I just can’t grasp how people who have five minutes to get to class just take the route at a leisurely stroll. If you want to skip class, that’s totally your call, but couldn’t you at least pretend you’re going to go do something productive? And why do you feel the need to take up the ENTIRE hallway?
I treat slow walkers in the most passive-aggressive way possible: I walk at normal speed until I’m approximately six inches behind the slow walker, and maintain that distance. If I’m feeling creepy, I’ll breathe really heavily, too.
I do this until a gap opens up. At that point, I speed through like I’m being chased by bounty hunters, and I go on my way.
I think I have a solution to this infernal problem. I know of one way we can keep letting the slow walkers do what they do while at the same time keeping everyone on the same page, socially.
WE WIPE THEM OUT.
Just kidding! Here’s what we do:
Instill “traffic monitors” in especially slow-moving portions of the hallway. These staff members have the job of looking out for people who walk slower than two miles an hour. Anyone they spot going at this pace will be issued with a warning. The second time, a “non-speeding” ticket. And the final time, they’ll be issued a tall, embarrassing-looking top hat which screeches unpleasantly and is filled with blinking orange arrows. This way, even if the slow walkers continue their slow walking (because I’m thoroughly convinced nothing will change this), they’ll at least be aware just how annoying everyone else thinks they are.
And yes, that plan would be easier than just telling them to get out of the way.
Well, I thought it was a good idea.
*Just to level with everyone, this was a parody and shouldn’t be taken as a literal suggestion. Though that would be interesting…