Movie—Erm, Trailer—Review: Evil Dead

“The most terrifying film you will ever experience.”

–  Tagline

 

Evil Dead posterFirst things first: I didn’t see this movie! Nor do I ever intend to!

I like to keep up with popular hype, and this movie certainly had some before it was even released. But, I’m not much of a horror movie fan, and the one kind I entirely refuse to watch is the genre with the blood and gore oh-that’s-really-disgusting effects.

So usually, I wouldn’t be talking about this movie at all. But, a few weeks ago I had the delicious experience of seeing the red-band trailer for the film, and it was such a disgusting, vomit-inducing, holy-God-why-would-you-see this chunk of two minutes that I just had to blog about it. So, instead of giving a review of this movie that I didn’t see, I’m just going to do a breakdown review of my experience with the horrifying trailer. If reading about blood and gore makes you nauseous (I took the liberty of excluding any images), you might want to close this out and do something else.

Enjoy!

Up until a month ago, my brush with Evil Dead was limited. Other than hearing about it and deciding to ignore how bland the name was, I wasn’t familiar with it. I saw the green band trailer in theaters and thought it looked like a scary/gory movie, and vowed not to see it. Then one day over Spring break, I was sitting at home just watching my Criminal Minds marathon while paroozing YouTube, and somehow the red band (restricted) version of the Evil Dead trailer came up. I wouldn’t have clicked it, except right below it were a bunch of “Evil Dead trailer reaction” videos. Being a teenager, I was naturally curious. What was there to react to?

And so I clicked.

The trailer starts off solid enough. It shows the main character girl, Mia, talking about something that attacked her in the woods, and how it’s inside she and her friends’ cabin now. It flashes to snippets of one of the friends as they read from a book that specifically says “leave this book alone” on the front page.

That’s the first minute. Only 1:21 left, right?

After that comes the first cringe-worthy image: said girl now has yellow eyes, blood all over her face, and a black tree limb is sliding out of her mouth like a snake. Ick.

Then it really jumps up a few levels. Almost immediately after this is the possessed Mia leaning over her friend. They just stare at each other for a few seconds, taking in the sights…

And then Mia slow-mo vomits blood all over her friend’s face.

Well that escalated quickly.

My reaction:

Ewgif

The next thirty seconds are flashes of random stuff as one of the friends talks about how this thing is attached to Mia, and how they think she might be possessed.

you don't say

Next disgusting image: a girl is standing in a shower with a bloody knife. It’s kind of hard to tell if it’s the same girl or not, because she has just used said knife to remove the lower half of her face.

Me:

hidingeyesgif

That’s at 1:41 in the trailer. And from exactly 1:41 to 1:53 is a segment with the highest grossness-per-second ratio I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I cringed and made nausea sounds through the lighting everyone on fire, the explosions of blood that cover the walls, and what I think is someone pulling a string out of someone else’s eye, but I really don’t want to look back and check.

Then the title! Granted, it’s presented while the possessed girl sings a creepy song, but thank goodness, at least the trailer is over, right?

WRONG.

So comes the most disgusting bit of the whole thing. In a post-title scene, the possessed Mia is standing there, holding up a knife, and licks the blade.

Me: Okay, she’s just licking a knife…wait…is the blade facing her? HOLY GOODNESS HER TONGUE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE SEPARATED DOWN THE MIDDLE! WHY IS SHE DOING THAT? Wait, don’t eat that other girl’s face…ew…EW EW EW!

And then it’s over! That wasn’t so bad, right?

Conclusion: This is the reason red band trailers were invented.

And to make up for that disgustingness, here’s a picture of a baby chipmunk.

babychipmunk

Sorry this post doesn’t have more substance, but I’m a bit busy right now. I’ll blog again soon, with something that doesn’t give your lunch the urge to leave your stomach.

At least, I would hope not.

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