Capstone Report II: The Kidz Bop Pandemic

“Hey, you know what would be an excellent idea? Remake a bunch of adult-themed pop songs, and clean them up for five year olds by replacing the original lyrics with senseless filler words. Then let’s get a bunch of little kids singing that in an off-key beat. That’ll be sure to sell!”

–  Someone said it

 

A bit of background: today, I had to stand in front of a group of college professors and present my capstone report, a research project I’ve been working on for the past year as a part of my high school study program. My chosen issue was health care in less developed countries. I was incredibly wound up, and though I think I nailed it, I still felt like de-stressing by writing a second report…one covering an issue just as, if not more, critical to our society…

 

 Research Report March 15, 2013: The Kidz Bop Pandemic

Intro to report: Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman. A chosen issue I believe needs more attention is a group of children, disturbingly dubbed “The Kidz Bop Kidz,” and their virulent mass of music that shows no rate of decreasing nor getting remotely better. Aside from teaching America’s children the incorrect way to spell “Kids,” this band of renegades is responsible for taking many popular—alas, sometimes good—songs, and twisting them into deadly pieces of “music” (for want of a better word) known to cause mild to severe vomiting, intense bleeding of the ears, and a general hatred for the music industry unprecedented since the first appearance of Nicki Minaj.

(It should be noted that if one begins to hear a Nicki Minaj song covered by the Kidz Bop Kidz, they should run to the nearest exit and seek shelter immediately. Make no attempt to go back and rescue your friends; if they’ve already been exposed, there is nothing to be done. There are some things that can’t be un-heard.)

In order to write a proper report on this, I spent a substantial amount of time gathering extensive research on this subject to further clarify my points and help me draw a proper conclusion. I present my findings below, with the hope that the committee will realize how serious of an issue this indeed is.

Research: For those committee members unfamiliar with the hooligans known as the “Kidz Bop Kidz,” they sing covers of popular songs with slightly changed lyrics to make the song clean for everyone to hear. I’m sorry…they “sing” covers of the songs with “slightly” changed lyrics to make the song “clean” for “everyone.”

After an hour of picking through various songs (don’t worry, my ears will heal eventually), I’ve assembled a list of some of the most troubling cases, though please note these are only a few examples of hundreds.

1.  “Call Me Maybe,” Carly Rae Jepsen

  • Original Lyric: “I beg and borrow and steal.”
  • Edit: “I beg and borrow and feel.”
  • Comment: Singing about giving out your number to strange men as soon as you meet them? Yeah, no biggie. But mentioning stealing? Not on my watch!

2.  “Telephone,” Lady GaGa

  • Original Lyric: “Out in the club and I’m sippin that bubb, you’re not going to reach my telephone.”
  • Edit: “Out in the club and I’m eatin that grub, you’re not going to reach my telephone.”
  • Comment: I too turn off my phone whenever partaking in grub.

3.  “Glad You Came,” The Wanted

  • Original Lyric: “Hand you another drink, drink it if you can.”
  • Edit: “Hand you another dance, dance it if you can.”
  • Comment: Excuse me, can you hold this dance for me while I tie my shoe? Or just put it in your pocket or something. Because dances are tangible objects. Objects that I can hand to you.

4.  “F— The Pain Away,” Peaches

  • Original Lyric: “F— the pain away, f— the pain away!”
  • Edit: “Chuck the rain away, chuck the rain away!”
  • Comment: Hey boss, I think we’ve got one the kids can cover. What’s it called? Well, I’m working on that. The refrain is filled with cussing and the ejecting of pain, but if we tidy that up and slap a new title on, we should be all good!

5.  “Starships,” Nicki Minaj

  • Original Lyric: “We’re higher than a mother——!”
  • Edit: “We’re Kidz Bop and we’re taking over!”
  • Comment: Dear Lord I hope not.

6. “Raining Blood,” Slayer

  • Original Lyric: “Now I shall reign in blood!”
  • Edit: “Now I shall love my dad!”
  • Comment: No, I’m not making this up.

7.  “Never Say Never,” The Fray

  • Original Lyric: Entire song
  • Comment: No lyrics were changed, and yet still, I literally gagged out loud when I heard the refrain of this version. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Once again, I must note that these are only several examples of a very real and consistent problem. As of this date, twenty three albums in the main series have been released, not including extra disks such as Kidz Bop Christmas, Kidz Bop Dance Party, or the album pictured below that I had to triple check was authentic.

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

And indeed, this problem shows no sign of dissipating. New edits are already being made for volume 24, which includes the song “Thrift Shop” with the new lyric—and no, I’m not making this up—“walk into the club like whaddup, I got a cool mom.”

Conclusion: In closing, I ask the committee to not ignore this issue, but to do something about the infection of good, innocent music. This continues to be a problem of our society, and if this pandemic isn’t caught and contained soon, the next generation and future children will be “bopping” into decline.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

*As a side note, I want to be clear that while the lyric edits I presented are very real, this report was meant to be a parody. I understand there are many worse issues in the world than dreadful music.

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