“Why do they always travel in packs? And how are you supposed to get one on your own to ask them?”
– Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Last year, shortly before asking a girl to Prom (she said yes), I wrote an article titled “Why I Would Rather Fight Off a Pack of Rabid Raccoons With a Spork Than Ask a Girl to a Dance.” Thankfully I didn’t have a blog and never posted the article, because even the title is flawed. One, it’s too long; and two, it’s false. But, with Prom fast approaching, I decided to salvage and expand that article. And for the record, I have a Prom date this year as well, so this doesn’t strictly apply to me.
But I thought it was worth sharing, particularly for girls. Because fret not, this covers both asking a girl to dance (middle school) and to a dance (high school). If any ladies out there have ever wondered how guys feel about it, then please sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
Middle School: Asking a Girl to Dance
Alright ladies, would you like to know our thought process when a slow song comes on at a dance? (I’m going back to middle school here). Curious as to the reason a lot of guys scurry to their pre-ordained corners when so much as two seconds of Leona Lewis comes on?
Well, here’s what it’s like for middle school guys.
We already know who we’re going to ask two minutes into the night. That’s a given. Don’t think for a second that when a slow song comes on, we’re trying to decide who to approach. Rather, approximately the first 75% of the song is spent trying to find said girl. Because they’re always in a pack, and they’re always moving around the gym like the mob is there to collect a price on their heads.
Which is why once we finally find said girl, we hesitate, because what if the song is almost over? It kind of sounds like it’s almost over. It’s taking that low, slower dip that means it’s probably got thirty seconds left at best. I’ll just ask next song. Next song for sure.
BUT YOU DON’T. Because the SAME THING happens. And by the time it’s stopped happening, the event is over, and you almost want to just go up to the girl as she’s leaving and say, “Hey, I know I didn’t ask you to dance tonight, but I totally was trying to.” If anyone ever does try that, let me know, as I’m curious what the results would be…
So girls, on behalf of all middle school guys: IF YOU WANT TO GET ASKED TO SLOW DANCE, STOP TURNING THE SCHOOL GYM INTO A GAME OF REAL-LIFE WHERE’S WALDO. STAY IN ONE PLACE.
Or, if you want to break social barriers, just go up to a guy and ask to dance. Nothing wrong with that. Just don’t send your agents.
“Agents?” you cry to yourself with…well, probably no curiosity whatsoever. I’ll still define it:
Agents (n)- In the context of middle school dances, these are a group of girls numbering from 2 to 5 whose sole job is to find a guy, drag him to their ‘agent clan leader’ (as I call them), and command them to dance.
Girls of all ages, please don’t do this. I know it’ scary to talk to a guy, but it’s scary for us to talk to you, too. If you want a guy to ask you and don’t want to ask yourself, just go up and talk to them without your fifty closest friends flocking you like the Secret Service. Agents are bad. Because if eighth grade guys were sending packs of other eighth grade guys to grab a thirteen year old girl and drag her across the gym, no one would think that it’s cute. They’d just call the cops.
But to close, I should say that proper slow dances are like best friends: each one is unique, but equally amazing, and you remember them all. So ask away.
High School: Asking a Girl to a Dance
Alright, this is really the bulk of my article from last year, in which I made fun of the asking process by dividing it into phases. Please, no one take this too seriously, it’s meant purely to entertain and isn’t literally how I feel. In a way, it’s parodying how much people worry about this whole thing. After sending to literary agents, I don’t have the energy to stress over stuff like asking a girl to a dance.
That being said, here’s the battle map I drew.
Phase 1: Finding a Time to Ask
Option 1: In Person
- I usually avoid this one, just because if a girl wants to say no, I’d like to give them the time to prepare a well-thought text message.
- If you choose this option, then it’s a trial of the fates just to find time to get the girl alone to talk to for more than ten seconds. Unless you want to go to her house, but this lays down a whole new set of risks.
- Benefits include (forced) immediate response and more difficulty for said girl to decline. Drawbacks include immediate response and harsher declining.
Option 2: Texting
- Ideal because everyone can think about what they say before they say it—a particularly useful weapon in a teenage guy’s arsenal
- Always a slight risk because you can’t be sure the person you’re talking to is who you think they are.
- Can be a pain to get their phone number! (Note: If you ask for it and they politely refuse by saying they’re “Amish” or “on probation,” then just quit while you’re ahead.)
Phase 2: The Wait
I can’t emphasize the truthfulness of the Facebook page called “The most important texts always seem to take the longest to hear from.”
Things to do while waiting for a reply:
- Watch all of the Lord of The Rings movies.
- Google something to make yourself feel better, such as cat videos on YouTube or a picture of chinchillas having a birthday party.
- Weep for your future.
- See about transferring schools.
Phase 3: The Response(s)
The most interesting phase, and the one at which we either dance with joy (in the manliest way, of course) or contemplate slamming our fingers in a car door.
Below is a table of some of the most notable types of rejections.
Again, please don’t interpret this literally, but I hope you laughed. And always remember, guys: if you never hear an answer, and you know it was intentional, run. Or Google something to make yourself feel better.
Oh look, I found that chinchilla picture!
Good luck with Prom, everyone. And Happy (early) Easter!