“And there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.”
– Buzz Lightyear
Those who actually read my blog for the occasional humor I manage, I bring you good news. Tonight there will be no sobering thoughts on the meaning of life and how it relates to writing, or what new movie I saw and loved or hated. Tonight it’s just more of the best of the worst of the net: digital places where cats bounce and cows grow on trees and some of the strangest arrests I’ve read about come to life.
Please stay tuned!
In the interests of structure, and for the purposes of easing my readers into the icy waters of human stupidity, I’ll order my findings by increasing weirdness.
1. Website: Nooooooooooooooo.com
Maybe you’ve heard of this site. I don’t really consider it ridiculous; in fact, I even pay it an occasional visit. In case you don’t want to click on the link, I’ll break it down for you: by going to this site (using fifteen o’s…no more, no less) you have access to a button that unleashes Darth Vader’s scream from the end of Star Wars: Episode III. What’s not to like?
Also, please note my next entry in this article was to be a website my friend told me about, in which you can pay a French service to kidnap you. But I didn’t have the courage to find/post the link to it.
2. Article: Man Arrested For Attacking Wife With a Sandwich
By a show of hands, who just did a double take?
To be fair, I didn’t go looking for this on purpose. I was sitting bored at home on my most recent snow day, searching Google for this image:
Granted, that one is pretty good in and of itself. But alas, I have bigger criminal fish to fry. And so I present the highlights of this article about a man attacking his wife with a sandwich, to save you the trouble of reading it:
- “Larry Spurling, Melbeta, Neb., was angry at his wife for “making him live in the county” and “being bored since there is no place for him to walk,”
- The woman grew tired of the argument and retired to her bedroom with a sandwich.
- Spurling followed her…pushed her down on the bed and crammed the sandwich in her face. She called 911 to report the assault.
- The Scottsbluff Star-Herald didn’t detail the ingredients of the sandwich, but a sheriff’s deputy found lunch meat and crumbs scattered around the crime scene.”
3. Cat Bounce!
I have a confession to make: when someone on Facebook posted a link to this site, I went to it. I stayed on the site for eighteen minutes.
Eighteen minutes well spent, indeed.
Though in my defense, around fourteen of those moments were spent “making it rain.”
4. Video: Cows and Cows and Cows
Oh, goodness. The near-pinnacle of weirdness. The space of the internet (other than this one) that makes you question your current state of mental well-being. The corner of YouTube that most people, sane or otherwise, avoid at all costs.
I did my best. And I held out until Thanksgiving break this past year. But even YouTube has its limits, and with a video that has almost twenty million views, I found it eventually.
And I watched it.
And I tried with all my might to look away.
And I failed miserably.
If you think this one is bad, don’t even look up “Welcome to Kitty City.”
5. Website: The Marvelous Breadfish
Then there’s this:
If anyone wants to explain that one, you can find me in the corner of my local neighborhood park, busy with line editing and weeping for humanity.