Well Thank God That’s Over (Movie Reviews: Breaking Dawn Part 2 and Vampires Suck)

“You’re going to hear a lot about Breaking Dawn Part 2 being the best of the Twilight movies. That’s like saying a simple head cold is preferable to swine flu. They all make you sick.”

 –  Peter Travers

 

Oh my oh my. What rich fodder this franchise has provided for this meager blogger trying to make his mark on the world of humorous commentary.

Let me start off by saying that I don’t have a passionate, burning hate in my heart for the Twilight saga like most teenage guys do. I don’t like it nor think it’s worth much other than laughing at, but I don’t see it as the bane of humanity, either. I did read the first book…granted, that was on a personal mission to discover what all the hype was about; a quest that I have yet to fulfill. And I did see all the movies, though that was more because it was on my list of 100 Things to Do Before I Graduate, right under “walk to the back of Spencer’s” (which I actually accomplished yesterday…my God. Dear, sweet God).

So, then. I watched all of the movies this past summer, an endeavor that cost me just over eight hours of my life and a generous amount of IQ points. But I did survive, and I decided that I needed to see this final chapter of the saga when it hit theaters.

And oh, my dear reader, did I see.

This is the point in the review when I warn you that there are spoilers, except I’m not sure if that’s the right word. Because this is a rare case where if you’re told about the end of the movie before you see it, I believe you’ll enjoy it more. 

So. The first hour and a half of the movie is about what I was expecting…mildly funny, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. The plot, for want of a better term, is as follows: Bella’s all changed into a vampire and adjusted to her life. Except someone sees her daughter and assumes she’s an “immortal child”…a member of this awful race of vampire kids that must be killed or they’ll destroy all life. You know, the usual.

So, the Volturi—the only movie villains to have names more ridiculous than their outfits—set out to kill the kid once and for all.

The fascinating part of this plot twist is that it occurs about half an hour into it, yet the baddies take until the end of the movie to finally get to Bella’s home land. I’m not sure if they walked all the way from Italy to Washington state, but in any case it gives Bella and Edward a good while to gather vampires for a confrontation.

And then, they confront.

It begins with negotiations between Edward and the villain, Aro. The only thing I remember about this conversation is that Aro, upon spotting the child, lets out a laugh so indescribably absurd that I am officially labeling this movie as a comedy.

Seriously, look this laugh up on YouTube.

Then, a battle ensues, and several main characters die. Everything is in ruins, and Aro is just getting his head ripped off (literally) when…a flash and…

It was all a dream!

But seriously. I guess the more accurate word is ‘vision,’ but that doesn’t change the fact that the entire last half hour of the movie was just a projection of the future from one of the Cullens, Alice. None of it actually happened.

Blanket sweep, anyone?

There is no battle, there are no deaths, and the movie closes with everyone just going home.

Which, I think, makes me safe to tell you that by the literal definition, NOTHING happens in this movie. No characters are born, none die, there are no revelations, and most importantly, there’s no development. The characters, much like the audience, come out of the movie as they came in: filled with regret of the time they’ve wasted.

In conclusion: see this movie if you want a few laughs, but keep in mind that you won’t get much else out of it. The film drags on too long, stumbles through dialogue, and in the end is as much of a dull, listless cheat as its main actress.

Rate: 2 out of 10.

 

Vampires Suck:

 

I don’t want to talk about this movie too much, but I did feel this was a good time to give a brief blurb of my thoughts on it.

I saw a commercial for this back in August 2010, texted all of my friends saying we had to see it, and the Sunday before 10th grade started, we did.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I had a great time watching this.

Is it a stupid movie? Absolutely. But it has a joke about every thirty seconds, and while most of them miss their mark, a few stick and overall it’s a good time. I’d definitely encourage seeing it with friends…when I did, I found it to be well worth the money. I don’t know why…there are just lines I can’t help but laugh at, such as when Bella’s new friend, Jennifer, walks up to her in the school cafeteria:

“Hi, I’m Jennifer! I’m going to pretend to be your BFF, but if you touch Rick—” [draws switchblade] “I’ll cut you.”

It’s stuff like that I think is at least mild entertainment. I just find this movie to be fun, if nothing else, and at least it—unlike the actual Twilight saga—knows when we’re laughing.

In conclusion: don’t expect this one to blow you away with hilarity, but if you and a few friends want to see a short, stupid parody of Twilight that makes fun of it in all the right ways, go for this. I’d recommend it over the real thing, anyway.

 

Rate: 5 out of 10.

*Just fyi, I apologize for the bitterness. In all sincerity, I don’t disrespect anyone who likes the Twilight saga. If you roll that way,  more power to you.

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