Fur-Ever-Alone (Music Video Analysis: “I Steal Pets”)

“Cause I steal pets from the popular people

And then dress the pets up like the popular people

I steal pets from the popular people

And hide them all in a shed!”

–  Rachel Bloom, “I Steal Pets”

 

There are people who, somewhere in the world at some point in time, designed the soap dispenser in my house so it shoots straight onto my newly dried shirt instead of downward into my hand.

They are terrible people.

What does that have to do with my post today? Well, nothing, except that it demonstrates how many different people see different creations as “good.”

Which is an excellent segue to a music video I want to discuss today.

This one hit the internet back in May 2011, just a few meager months after Rebecca Black’s “Friday.” It is indeed an official video; the song can be bought on iTunes if you have 99 cents to get rid of. Its name is “I Steal Pets,” sung by Rachel Bloom.

Now, relax, I’m not about to advocate for pet-stealing or anything…I don’t know how common of an issue this is, but I would fully recommend acquiring your own animal friends rather than borrowing other peoples’.

That being said, let’s analyze this piece of work.

It starts off promising enough…the singer, Rachel, is looking at the camera while an electric beat plays.

The initial lyrics aren’t anything alarming. She sings about how school is boring and she’ll be “hanging with her friends.” What’s more, it even rhymes! Stop the presses!

Rachel continues on how she’s going to have karaoke, pillow fights, and loud music playing with all of her friends (which, as she specifically points out, she has many).

Then…the decline.

Cause I steal pets from the popular people

And then dress the pets up like the popular people

I steal pets from the popular people

And hide them all in a shed!”

Wow.

Well, at least that clears up the song’s title, right?

At this point in the song, I had several questions. Why would you steal pets, least of all from popular people? And KEEP them?

Initially, I thought it was in revenge. But no, in the next shot depicting her reading a magazine alongside a lizard, we realize the terrible truth she’s been insinuating: the reason she steals pets from popular people and dresses them up is so she can hang out with said pets.

Which, in case you were wondering, is a psychological illness known as Delusional Disorder.

 

After another verse and repeat of the refrain, she shouts, “Take it, Cuddles!” and a dog wearing sunglasses barks up a beat.

Finally the interlude ends, and she resumes singing. Now it’s a much more mellow, somber tone, and her eyes are creepily lined in red.

It’s the seventh grade dance in the shed tonight

And I’m the life of it all

Cats and dogs all movin’ with me

We’re having such a ball.”

Now it gets horrific.

I start slow dancing

With Greg Mandison’s Terrier mix.”

She picks up the dog in her arms and is moving back and forth, the animal’s head resting on her shoulders. The spotlight is on them.

He’s wearing a suit and he has Greg’s eyes

Suddenly…we kiss!”

AAAAAHHHH!

This dog does indeed lick her on the lips, and she kisses back. It’s a full-on liplock between her and a flea-bitten animal.

 

WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, SINGER? YOU ENJOY HANGING OUT WITH ANIMALS, AND YOU THINK THEY’RE YOUR FRIENDS! SEEK THERAPY IMMEDIATELY!

Now she continues with the refrain while she and her ‘boyfriend’ are crowned Prom king and queen.

WHAT?

At this point, she’s pretty much done, but we do see one last clip of her reaching around her and pulling the pets in close.

She’s also mouthing all of them are mine repeatedly, staring at us with her eyes wide.

The only thing that saves this video is the fact that, as I learned soon after watching it, the song was intended to be bad on purpose.

The problem here isn’t the fact that this video was a joke. The problem is how readily we believed that it wasn’t.

Or maybe it was just me. Who knows? I still can’t even figure out who closes the doors of the bus when the driver gets off.

 

As always, much thanks for reading. And please rate below! I love feedback, bad and good.

And if you’re feeling REALLY generous, you could follow my blog via email with the little button under the archives. I won’t steal your pets, I promise.

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