Facebook vs. Twitter

“Let’s see if this diseased lung can get more likes than Miley Cyrus!”

   –  An actual “local business” page on Facebook


Almost everyone says the same thing: Facebook is on its deathbed, and Twitter is rising from the ashes to smash it to pieces and reclaim the world of social networking.

I don’t exactly agree. Don’t get me wrong…on a scale of one to ten, Twitter’s stalker score is a solid eight. When in the hands of people who Tweet every single thing they’re doing every day of their lives, it admittedly is a formidable opponent to Facebook in terms of creeping power.

(Don’t worry, Facebook. You’re well on the way to your stalking comeback with the now-mandated Timeline.)

But in terms of usefulness, I’d say Facebook wins hands down. No other network lets you join groups, like statuses, or create pages much like the one I mentioned above (which, by the way, is not only real but is complete with a profile picture). Other actual pages I’ve encountered include “If this gets 100 likes I’ll name my dog Voldemort” and “I will name my son Batman if this page gets to 500,000.” It currently has 770,000.

I know; Twitter lets you follow celebrities. I admit that’s cool. But unless they follow you back—which, more often than not, they don’t—then it’s similar to liking a celebrity page on Facebook. You still stream pictures of their hourly activities either way.

Now, let’s get hypothetical. Facebook is like McDonald’s and Twitter is Burger King: both have the same stuff that goes by different names, they’re equally famous, and they leave you wishing you had more interesting things to get to in your life. In addition, both cost virtually no money, are run by invisible CEO’s in secret locations, and are terrible places to ask your girlfriend to marry you.

To continue the metaphor, Google+ would be the internet’s Sonic…good, but really the same old stuff in disguise and liked by fewer people. Which means that MySpace is Waffle House.

“But wait!” the less mainstream people might be saying. “What about Tumblr? What about Skype, and LinkedIn, and (how could we forget) INSTAGRAM???”

Maybe I’ll address those in the future. I personally don’t use any of them, with my reason more than anything being I don’t like devoting very much time to letting the world know my thoughts (that’s what this is for, right?)

As I said, Twitter is probably nice for updating frequently, but Facebook seems like a better way to connect. It groups you with your peers all while suggesting “people you may know” with disturbing accuracy.

Plus, if you’re feeling especially bored, you can change your username to “no one” and like peoples’ annoying statuses.